Love me as I am..

I heard a shocking news 2 days ago. But I asked myself, why am I still shocked if I had already know of the decision made.

16 Dec 2006 : It's about a boy I used to work with in a Children's Home. He came in 1 week after I joined the NGO. He was very fragile then. He was joined by his elder sister and 2 elder brothers who were sent to the Boy's Home. I remembered his face clearly the day he was being admitted. He carried a small bag containing a couple of shirts, shorts and other basic essentials. But he was missing a smile, his face was gloomy and full of hatred and anger. He must be wondering "why he had been sent here", "why his mom could so coldly decided to leave them for good", "why his dad can't do anything to undo the whole situation", "why he's being separated?" and other WH's questions.

It was very difficult for the whole family to cope. The elder brothers, in their teenage years went into rebellion and fights. The elder sister suppress her feelings by being smiley all the time, make friends and talk as if nothing traumatic has happened in her life. And this young boy, at the tender age of 5 years plus, he has to witnessed a real nightmare, a trauma, a tragedy that struck his beloved family.

I dare not ask them to open their hearts and share with me their hard times. After all, who am I?I'm just a staff, an adult who is now responsible for his welfare.

I waited patiently for the time to come. Then, things explode. After few days of their admission, he loses his cool and throws his anger towards himself. He bangs his head on the metal door while crying out loud; it shattered my heart to pieces.

Kids were worried and were hysterically shouting at him to stop. Staff tried to pulled him away from the door, his elder sister witness the outbreak cry along. I went and have a look, initially unsure what to do and how to react.

All I was thinking "Give them a hug", "Tell them that everything will be fine". But I cannot promise that, as we all can see, Things are not fine and will never be the same again.

I pat their shoulders and head as softly as I can, trying to avoid hurting myself and his head. After quite sometime, it stopped. What a relieved!

After a cup of tea and hiccups from their friends, I brought them to my office. I was about to ask them what had happened and was deciding if they will go hysterical again.

Pulling out all my courage, I asked if they were OK. The little boy, still wet with tears and a head red and bruised from all the bangings ignored my question. Meanwhile, the sister stared at me like I am an alien intruding their comfort zone.

I heard about their past and their trauma, but I need to hear it from themselves as they are the most accurate story-teller.

Very slowly, I was being filled with the details of their nightmare.

***It was their usual afternoon, after lunch, their mother hurried them for a nap in a small bedroom. The elder brothers slept in a corner, sister near her mom and the youngest under his mom's arm. He was drinking milk from his milk bottle.

Everyone fell asleep and was woken up by a very hot feeling, smoke and someone shouting. Apparently, their mom had asked the eldest brother to leave the house and help run some errands while his siblings were asleep.

Now, the eldest brother was shouting loudly to wake his siblings up before the fire burnt them to death. They struggled, cried and shouted for life. The little boy told me that he nearly burnt his feet when the burning wood fell down from top. They managed to crawl out from a small window.

The siblings gathered and tried to find their mother. Helpful neighbours came around with piles of water trying to stop the fire. The eldest brother went around the house and found their mom at last! But she was dead!Hanged on a fruit tree behind their house. Someone notified their father and later on, he showed up.

Before they ended their story, he told me, "mommy plans to bring us along...." I was struggling with my own emotions and tears. All I can do is to hug them briefly and we fell into silence.

I realized all over again, this is their coping mechanism. They are in denial stage. They need help. We will need to do lots of work to see some changes in them.

To cut the story short, over 2years and 6months, I feel bonded with them (and of course all the other children I worked with). It was no miracle! I lost my own cool countless times when I feel what I did was useless and pointless. But my supervisor and colleagues were very supportive.

I enrolled him to Primary 1 (he missed his kindie year), prepared and chosed his school bag together, along with pencil case, pencils and other essentials. I walked into the school for registration with them, people staring at me, wondering if I am another pitiful young single mother with kids!!

Half of my job is to be like a mother or father to the kids. I smile when they are happy, I cry silently when I know they are sad or being bullied. They shared with me the excitements in school and the teachers they like, dislike, and scared of! I witnessed their annual sports day, AGM meetings, report cards meetings and meetings with the discipline teachers.

It was stressful but I enjoyed it, at least most of the time!! =)

Back to the topic, he was now in Primary 4 and soon he will be sent to the Boys' Home (once he reached Primary 5).

From someone who hated words and homework, he now loves his Sciences and went for his twice-weekly English tuition. From someone who failed in most tests, he now could score a pass and read a simple storybook for you to enjoy.

I am so proud of him and I love him dearly. He did not turn into a saint, he is still a kid, with occasional tantrums and fall into fights at school.

The news I heard 2 days ago was that he will be transferred to the Boys' Home by end of this semester or to be exact by March!! I was so surprised and I felt dizzy for a moment while the news crawl into my head!

Is he ready?? I asked repeatedly. Boys' Home is for "big" boys, they involved in fights and has a lack of interest in their studies.

I felt so selfish. He settled in so well, he was having fun learning but now, if he was transfered there, what he will become? Will he become another dropout??

It doomed me. I think about my feelings and my thoughts all over before I sleep that night.

I felt like a worried mom sending their kid to the school for the first day, will he enjoy it?will he cry?will he ask for the toilet?will he make friends?....

I felt like I lose control over the future. But who am I to determined the future? I am only a human and only God knows of one's future.

I felt so helpless. I know I am scared to hear that he has turn into a bad boy.. but then again, I told myself, why I am so certain?I should be more supportive and trust his potential.

People grow up and people make their own decisions. He will grow up too and I should let him be.

So, before I fell asleep, I hoped that I will be remembered by him as a friend who once shared and cared about his life.

I will continue to care and sneak an eye and an ear of him till he grows out of my sight!!

(*_^) wink